Spousal rape is rape! It is time for the offender to be called the rapist that he is! Spousal rape victim speaks out helps to change law in Illinois

A special thank you to Regan Martin, a brave victim of spousal rape for coming forward to help shed light upon this devastating criminal epidemic that impacts millions of domestic violence victims.

Spousal rape and martial rape is RAPE!

Tragically millions of domestic violence victims are raped by their intimate partners and this aspect of advocacy has not yet been addressed well enough by the domestic violence organizations nationally for victims to feel comfortable speaking about it.

Spousal rape is a crime that most victims are ashamed of and do not want to bring up or report to advocates, law enforcement, prosecutors or their physicians.

Spousal rape is a crime that needs to be better understood by counselors, law enforcement, advocates, medical examiners and prosecutors so that more spousal rape victims will feel comfortable speaking up and more importantly be taken seriously.

Rape is rape!

If you are a victim of domestic violence or spousal rape you are not alone!

www.SurvivorsInAction.com
"No Victim Left Behind"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A special thank you to New York Attorney Caroline Johnston Polisi, a WeNews Commentator for writing about this very important topic.


Spousal Rape Laws Continue to Evolve
Run Date: 07/01/09
By Caroline Johnston Polisi
WeNews commentator

Remnants of the "marital rape exemption" still exist in many states' laws, even though all 50 states now criminalize spousal rape. Plea bargains can also lead to more lenient sentencing. Caroline Johnston Polisi looks at how these laws have changed.


(WOMENSENEWS)--The scars on Regan Martin's wrists are a painful reminder of a past filled with violence and fear. While handcuffed behind her back, Martin's husband brutally beat and raped her, leaving her bloody, bruised and severely injured on the floor of their Crete, Ill., home.

The 2005 incident began, police reports say, after Martin refused to have sex with her husband John Samolis.

Sadly, Martin's story is not uncommon among American women. Studies indicate that between 15 and 25 percent of all married women have been victims of spousal rape and some scholars suggest that this type of rape is the most common form in our society.

Unfortunately, for survivors like Regan Martin, modern U.S. law still retains vestiges of a misogynistic past.

Creation of "Marital Rape Exemption"
The so-called "marital rape exemption" has been embedded in the sexual assault laws of our country since its founding. In its most drastic form, the exemption means that a husband, by definition, cannot legally rape his wife. The theory goes that by accepting the marital contract, a woman has tacitly consented to sexual intercourse any time her husband demands it.

The concept dates back to 18th century common law, and was articulated by English jurist Matthew Hale as follows: "The husband cannot be guilty of rape . . . for by their mutual matrimonial consent and contract, the wife [has] given up herself in this kind unto her husband, which she cannot retract."

Over 200 years later, American lawmakers were not ready to do away with the marital rape exemption, as shown by the Model Penal Code. Drafted in the 1950s, the code states that: "Marriage . . . while not amounting to a legal waiver of the woman's right to say 'no,' does imply a kind of generalized consent that distinguishes some versions of the crime of rape from parallel behavior by a husband. . . . Retaining the spousal exclusion avoids this unwarranted intrusion of the penal law into the life of the family."

States embraced the Mode Penal Code's endorsement of the marital rape exemption. In North Carolina, for example, until 1993, the penal code's definition of rape noted that a person could not be convicted of the crime of rape "if the victim is the person's legal spouse at the time of the commission of the alleged rape."

Victim's rights advocates, lawyers and politicians fought tirelessly to reverse these laws across the country.

States Begin Abolishing Exemption
In 1976, Nebraska became the first state to abolish the marital rape exemption. Other states slowly followed.

The New York case, People v. Liberta, illustrates the modern repudiation of the doctrine. In 1984, the New York State Court of Appeals finally decided that there was no basis for distinguishing between marital rape and non-marital rape. The court noted that "a marriage license should not be viewed as a license to forcibly rape [the defendant's] wife with impunity" and struck the marital exemption from the statue in question for violation of the state and federal Constitution.

Currently all 50 states criminalize spousal rape, but remnants of the marital rape exemption are still present in many states' laws. Most states, like California, for example, define spousal rape as a separate (and lesser) offense than stranger rape.

Evidently, Regan Martin's husband also believed that spousal rape should be a lesser offense. He exhibited a commonly held assumption among perpetrators of the crime: that husbands have property rights in their wives' bodies.

"He thought he had every right to do what he was doing because he was her husband," Cherry Simpson, Regan Martin's mother, told Women's eNews.

However, since Illinois law has abandoned the spousal rape exemption in cases of forcible or violent rape, Samolis was initially charged with unlawful restraint, sexual criminal assault (rape) and aggravated domestic violence.

But the case never made it to trial.

Plea Bargaining Away Charges
Plea bargains can be useful because they allow governmental prosecutors to make practical compromises in cases they believe might not prevail in court. They are also used in cases in which gathering evidence would be too costly and time consuming, saving taxpayer dollars and preserving judicial resources.

But Regan and her family believe that in cases of alleged rape, plea bargains should never be allowed.

"Rape is rape and to plea bargain it away is unacceptable. This is just an epidemic for judicial expediency," said Simpson.

Samolis accepted a plea bargain in Regan Martin's case. He agreed to plea guilty to the lesser crime of aggravated domestic violence and in return the district attorney would drop the rape and unlawful restraint charges.

The news that Samolis would not be prosecuted for the rape devastated Martin and her loved ones. Samolis ultimately served 19 months in prison for the aggravated domestic violence charge. The average time served for a rape conviction is about five years, according to a U.S. Department of Justice Study.

In response, Martin and her family are working with Illinois Congresswoman Debbie Halverson, a Democrat, to draft a bill that would prohibit prosecutors from offering plea bargains to alleged rapists.

A spokesperson for Halverson's office said the Congresswoman is "trying to figure out a legislative solution to this problem. Because of the nature of the laws involved, at this time we are not sure whether this needs to be addressed in the federal jurisdiction or state jurisdiction level."

Regardless of whether or not the bill gets passed, Regan Martin's story and her fight for the evolution of criminal sexual assault laws is a powerful reminder of how far the United States has come in terms of spousal rape jurisprudence and, perhaps, of how far we still have to go.

Caroline Johnston Polisi is an attorney in New York City. She has volunteered for Sanctuary for Family's Courtroom Advocates Project, helping victims of domestic violence obtain temporary restraining orders against abusive husbands in the Bronx and Manhattan Family Courts. The project seeks to educate victims about the legal remedies available, assist them with safety planning, help them draft petitions and advocate on their behalf before judges.

Women's eNews welcomes your comments. E-mail us at editors@womensenews.org.

One Year of Being Awake (TW)

A year ago, a friend woke me up from an 18 year sleep.

We began to talk about bad drinking experiences and I told her a little about my experience with the woman who eventually raped me. I was still calling it something else then. I was still denying my pain and blaming myself.

She calmly told me, "you were raped." I took a breath and the walls started to crash in on me. Waves of panic, fear and shame competed for my attention as the realization of her words began to take root.

I was raped. Me. James. Raped. Victimized. Hurt. Those words carry so much weight and I could not acknowledge them for so long. Now I was unexpectedly forced to confront them.

My body was used without my permission. A woman took something she had no right to receive. In her wake, she left me emptier, sadder and confused.

I felt victimized. Nauseous. Powerless. Ashamed. Emasculated.

How did I not see it myself? How did I go on about my daily business for so many years as if nothing had ever happened? Why did it feel like a switch had suddenly been flipped in my brain that lit up that dark room in the corner where you hide your ugliest fears from daylight?

Well, the answer to that is that I didn't go on unaffected. I simply did not recognize how the psychological damage had been manifesting itself in my life and in my intimate relationships with women. It would take several months, tons of therapy and a lot of talking and reflection to see that picture more clearly. I'm still sharpening the focus on a daily basis and I stumble around blindly on occasion. Nearly 20 years of cluttered up denial takes a great deal of effort to clear away.

A year later, I'm less raw in some ways. I have faced down some of my demons, but there are many left to purge. As more layers of denial have been peeled away I find new things to confront, new challenges to face, and new reasons to be sad, angry or numb.

Going forward, I'm going to try to remember how far I've traveled over the last year. I'm going to ignore that mixture of shame and numbness that has been creeping into me lately, as it seems to do in unpredictable cycles. I'm going to begin my second year awake with the knowledge that I now know what happened and I've faced it as best I could with the tools at my reach.

I will keep building on the progress I've made. I'm going to stop beating myself up for feeling bad on days like today, when the anxiety, shame and sadness take turns occupying my head and heart.

I'm going to live.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3425/79/

Cara of The Curvature on University of the Pacific Says Date Rape is Not Rape:

I want to point out is not why this man is an asshole, or why students definitely need to get SAFER on their campus — it’s how the general rhetoric surrounding rape upholds this man’s views. It’s why I frequently put the "date" in date rape in scare quotes. Because I believe it’s a shitty phrase.

I think that in some ways, the phrase "date rape" has indeed been useful, in the sense of getting out the idea that there’s more than one rape scenario, and it’s not all men jumping out of bushes. And I also know that some survivors, including a close friend I had once, find it comforting and prefer to use it, rather than just the term rape. And I have no interest in taking away people’s right to identify and name their experiences as they wish.

But far too many people have taken the concept that there is more than one "kind" of rape and twisted it into a hierarchy. Yet again, we’re back to the concept of "real" rape and the idea that most rapes don’t deserve the label. Now, we have two different classes popularly accepted in society — date rape and rape. Or, it could be said, date rape and real rape. After all, the "date" modifier is there for a reason.

Cara is responding to ridiculous and unnecessary comments made by Richard Rojo, a spokesman for the University as reported by Recordnet.com:

Pacific spokesman Richard Rojo said Thursday that the school does not consider the incident to be a rape.

"We would call it date rape," he said.

Rojo said the university considers "outright rape" and date rape to be different, in that date rape does not involve "a rapist jumping out of bushes and attacking people randomly."

He said, "These are people who knew each other. ... It's a social situation and unfortunately an all-too common problem at universities.

"It doesn't make it right. It's a sexual assault, and that's why the university took action in this matter."

Rojo is clearly downplaying the seriousness of the rapes by using deliberately weaker language while simultaneously trying to appear to take the matter seriously. It is a transparent and repugnant display and one the University needs to address immediately. Why is this arbitrary distinction so desired and important that Rojo felt the need to elaborate at length?

The woman who raped me did not jump out of the bushes. She used a spiked drink to subdue me, and then employed blackmail to keep me compliant once the effects of the drugged drink wore off. Given that I met her earlier in the evening, I guess that just makes it a "social situation" and not "real rape", regardless of the outcome.

Ugh. Somedays I really just hate people…

Relevant Links:

http://www.recordnet.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090529/A_NEWS/905290324/

http://thecurvature.com/2009/05/30/university-of-the-pacific-says-date-rape-is-not-rape/

Rape and Healing

Cara from The Curvature on What Does It Mean to Heal?

I know that not all survivors suffer from some sort of post-traumatic stress. I cannot speak to those experiences. In fact, I cannot speak to a single experience that is not my own. But I sure as hell know that almost 11 years later, I definitely don’t feel “healed.” Better, certainly. I don’t think about being raped every day, after all. But I don’t know when I will. I don’t know if and how it will happen. Subconsciously, it also affects my relationships with regards to trust; I know this.

So healed? Healed? No. No, I am not fucking healed. And while I wouldn’t begrudge finding out someday that I’m wrong, I’ve basically accepted that “healed” is something I’m never going to be.

In short, I am okay. I have been okay for some time, and I will be okay. But I will never be the way I was pre-rape, or “get over it.” To go back to this “bruising” metaphor — you can’t see the bruises unless you look for them, and they don’t hurt in just general life. But if you press on them, fuck yeah, there’s pain.

Like Cara, I've wondered about healing too. I'm trying, but I don't see it as a destination I'll find and then be all better forever again. Am I better now than I was a year ago when the memories came back to smash me to bits? Yes. Am I healed?

No. No. No.

I have good days, where I don't see her or feel her or sense her. Then, I have days like I did yesterday when I wanted to scream, cry, put my fist through a wall and curl up in a ball all in one afternoon.

While things are improving, the end result is that I was still raped and that has deeply transformed me in ways you can see and in ways you cannot. Cara's analogy with the surgery scars was perfect. There was a change made that cannot be unmade. I will continue to get better, but there is no going back. There is no mental eraser to make it all go away.

If you find one, let me know...


This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3412/79/

I'm guesting on A Book and A Chat on Sat. 3/21

I'm guesting on A Book and A Chat on Sat.,3/21/09, 10 AM CST, 11 AM EST
Call-in Number: (347) 237-5398
Here's the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/Across-the-Pond/2009/03/21/A-BOOK-AND-A-CHAT-with-Beth-Fehlbaum

Here's the Promo the show is using:

Beth Fehlbaum’s tragic childhood was the inspiration for her first novel. Fehlbaum grew up in the Dallas area and has been teaching for 10 years. She said she began going to a therapist to help deal with childhood sexual abuse about four years ago. “I wasn’t handling my life very well. All the tricks I had used to keep from thinking about it weren’t working anymore,” she said. “I was living in a place of anxiety and fear.” Fehlbaum said her therapist suggested she write a novel. She said she wrote the book over a six-month period in 2007. “It took me four months to pull myself out of my own head and get beyond my own pain and grief to be able to tell someone else’s story,” she said in a question and answer with The Lariat Online. “But once I was able to do that, to look at the experience of sexual abuse and recovery from an observer’s standpoint, the story flowed.” Her book, “Courage in Patience,” is a fictional account of a 15-year-old girl, Ashley Nicole Asher, who is sexually abused by her stepfather. Fehlbaum said the first two chapters are about the character’s past, and the rest is about recovery.

A Fallacy of Choices

Yesterday (Saturday), I had my weekly therapy appointment to deal with the mental ghosts that haunt my brain since the memories of my repressed rape returned last summer. We went a little lighter this week as last week was very difficult and I slept for several hours afterward. This time, I took about a three hour nap due to the emotional exhaustion that such therapy can cause. I had no idea that thinking and talking about an old, neglected trauma I feel on a regular basis could be so physically draining. This week we worked on acceptance of the rape as being beyond my control. We talked for a while before we worked on the EMDR portion.

For the last week, I've been thinking hard about the rape and my own coping thoughts. For a long time, I've thought that I was faced with a decision between continuing to be raped or hurting my pregnant rapist. To be more specific, I've thought the choice existed once I woke up from the effects of the drink she had spiked at the club. While I was unconscious, there was no choice as she had already been raping me. I've labored under the misconception that the choice began when I woke up. Yesterday, I was struck by an epiphany with regard to my previously perceived choices.

I did not choose between being raped or hurting her. I chose not to hurt her. That was my only decision. She chose to rape me. Why was it so hard to connect those dots? Why did I not get it? I only made one decision - not to inflict harm. The rest of the decisions were made by the woman who decided to hurt me.

Over the summer, I had spoken with a close friend about the rape. She cried and later told me that she was proud of me. She said that she loved me even more knowing that I would not hurt a pregnant woman, regardless of how much she harmed me. As much as I know she is right about my decision not to harm my rapist in my own defense, it is hard for me to feel anything but ashamed for being raped by a woman I could have easily overpowered. I'm getting over it daily, sometimes a day at a time, sometimes an hour, and on bad days - minute by minute.

My therapist told me I should be proud of myself and that I have made great progress by realizing this simple fact. I wish I could feel proud right now but I'm still a little raw and I've been ignoring my emotions since I left her office yesterday morning.

I'm just tired of beating myself up over someone else's choices. It is on days like these that disgusting vermin who shame rape survivors or deny that rape is traumatic (and yes they exist, just ask me) find easy prey among rape, sexual abuse and sexual assault survivors.

Also posted at:

http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3345/79/

Healing and Living

Erin Merryn in Learning to survivor:

"After pouring my heart out being so open and honest in my last post I often wonder about others out there who are survivors and how they do it? What have you done in your life to continue to heal your life? How do you cope with your memories? As many know I write to continue to heal. I also speak to large audiences and do not flinch in any sort of anxiety, crowds do not scare me not even when I talk about sexual abuse. Instead they fire me up, empower me to reach those listening, knowing that at least one person in that crowd will walk away a changed person, a voice discovered, a secret to reveal."

What has helped me? Well, crying when I can no longer contain it. Journaling daily and diving into the civil liberties advocacy work I've been doing for 10 years. I find distractions and I try to leave the world a little better than I found it. I can't change the past, but I can change how I react to it.

Like Erin, I chose to break the silence on my own experience. I was publicly shamed by men who felt their manhood was threatened by admitting that a woman could hurt them. I was doubly shamed by women who wanted to make sure that other women were never exposed as predators. In a small amount, that shaming continues today. I no longer feel the need to acknowledge such disgusting and worthless individuals.

I prefer to focus on those people who contact me because they were touched by my story, or have a brother, boyfriend or husband suffering in silence. They are worth my time. They are the reason I speak out and they are the reason I refuse to shut my mouth. The shamers have nothing to offer but hatred, immature behaviour and gender-based stereotypes and bigotries. I have no use for such empty souls.

Nearly 20 years down the road after so much silence and denial, I realize that she hurt me at a level I never comprehended until lately. That hurt will not last forever - at least not at the level it is today. While I will always carry some of this pain around and the healing will be a lifelong project, it will lessen with effort and I will learn to be happy again. I choose to survive and work toward learning how to thrive. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there eventually. In the meantime, if I can help someone else along the way then I'll consider the time well spent.

Relevant Links:

Erin Merryn: http://erin-merryn.blogspot.com/2009/01/learning-to-survivor.html

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3335/79/