Things this rape survivor could do without hearing again in life...

As I've begun to unravel the tight ball of emotions related to my rape, I've been given a lot of advice, some good and some bad. Most of it is well-meaning, but not necessarily helpful. Below, I've listed a few of the most insensitive and/or clueless tidbits of advice. If you have said this to me, please understand that I'm not angry with you, nor am I trying to criticize you personally. This is posted in the hopes that someone else will learn from it when supporting a survivor in the future:

"There are people in the world who are worse off."

Yes there are, and? This is a nice way of saying "stop whining, it could have been worse." I've heard this one a few times myself. Processing the emotions related to a traumatic event is not necessarily made easier by comparing your situation to that of another person. Such my pain vs. your pain comparisons may even result in increasing the already unbearable guilt and shame on the part of the individual rape survivor, especially when compared to someone who was tortured or maimed. The survivor may also be made to feel like they should abandon their healing and go back to stuffing their emotions away until they erupt like a powderkeg ignited, lest they feel guilty for having natural, emotional repsonses to trauma. This is not helpful in the slightest. Please stop saying this to us.

"You need to put it behind you."

No kidding. By talking about it, venting it, analyzing it and releasing it, that is exactly what I am trying to do now. I didn't stub my toe, get in a fender-bender, or lose 5 grand gambling in Las Vegas. I was raped. It is not as easy to "put it behind" me as it might seem to a non-survivor. When someone says "put it behind you" what is really conveyed to me is their desire that I "shut up and deal." Sorry, but silence and denial is not dealing. I tried 17 years of silence. It didn't work. Healing is not as simple as "put it behind you." It is an ongoing process. Please, don't ask me to "put it behind me." I'll do that on my own and when I'm ready.

"Just think about what she must have gone through in her life to be able to do such a thing to you."

This one is normally said by well meaning friends who think it will help me "put it behind" me easier by seeing her as a victim as well. I'm sorry if I sound selfish, but I don't owe my rapist that consideration. She raped me and she didn't have to do it. I don't know if she was abused or not, nor do I care at this point in my healing. Maybe she was and maybe she wasn't. Or maybe she was just sadistic and opportunistic. It doesn't change the facts in the matter. Would you say the same thing to a woman who was raped by a man? I'm going to go out on a limb and say I doubt it. So why is it appropriate when a woman is the rapist?

"You're internalizing and buying into the victim culture."

The person saying this is completely clueless and believes that rape is not a traumatic experience. They may have even committed a rape in the past. This is not a person to be trusted. I don't recommend spending any time trying to educate such a person as they've already made up their mind that rape is not a big deal. They don't get it and don't want to get it - and they may be dangerous.

Please, feel free to add more to the comments below. I'd like to see this list get longer, more in-depth and republished as a collaborative effort with other survivors.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3192/79/

Publisher's Weekly Review of Courage in Patience

Courage in Patience Beth Fehlbaum. Künati (IPG, dist.), $14.95 paper (352p) ISBN 978-1-60164-156-4
Fehlbaum's debut novel, set in a small Texas town, is overloaded with thorny issues and hindered by a “very special episode” tone, but features a genuine and empathetic lead. After enduring six years of sexual abuse from her step-father, 14-year-old Ashley Asher finally gathers the courage to confide in her mother; predictably, mom sides with step-dad. Soon, Ashley is sent to live with her estranged birth father, David, and his new wife and son. Though he's now a kind man who's put his life-long anger issues behind him, Ashley still struggles to trust her father. His wife, Bev, a high school English teacher, brings Ashley into her extended family of summer school students; a controversial reading assignment, Ironman by Chris Crutcher, provides the novel's other hot-button issues—racism, censorship, homophobia and religious extremism. An over-the-top scandal is followed by Bev's hokey, message-laden testimonial before the local school board. Throughout, Ashley's self-destructive tendencies, conflicted feelings and struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder read authentically; had Fehlbaum focused more on her recovery, rather than a raft of societal woes, this story would have been more powerful. (Sept.)

The Aftermath of Being Temporarily Owned By Another

Another excellent posting from Cara at The Curvature on Explaining Rape :

The crime of rape is the imposition on another person’s body. The crime of rape is taking away another person’s right to make their own decisions, deciding what will and will not happen to their bodies. The crime of rape is failing to respect personal boundaries and enacting your will on another. The trauma of rape isn’t necessarily the physical pain; the trauma of rape is temporarily losing control of your own body and your own life. And as rape intends, many victims fail to realize that the control is temporary. The crime and trauma of rape is the assertion that a person’s autonomy can mean absolutely nothing to others and can be taken away. The crime of rape is its inherent intent to own another person.

(trigger warning)

The physical damage from that night I was raped was minimal - all though she could have done anything as I was not conscious during the vast majority of the period the rapes occurred.

The psychological damage, however, is still here. I’m so damned tired of hearing other men (who’ve not been raped or endured CSA) tell me that I’m just internalizing it and opting into the “victim culture” and should “let it go.” The same goes for women who tell me to suck it up or else I must be a “metrosexual” and expect me to adhere to bigoted gender stereotypes that promote the concept that all males want sex all the time from any woman willing to participate.

When I think about what she could have done to me without any ability on my part to stop her, I shudder. She could have maimed me. She could have given me HIV. She could have killed me.

When I remember little bits here and there like how she still insisted on me driving her home (as I had promised) and engaged in small talk like we could be friends - describing her S&M toys, I feel sick to my stomach.

When I’ve been cautioned during therapy that she may have raped me for 7 hours or more as one long rape rather than 2 separate attacks (as I awoke twice and just assumed they were 2 separate attacks), I want to scream at the top of my lungs. When I wonder what else she did during that time period, I want to put my fist through the wall.

I hurt. I have to process that. I have to feel it. I have to let it flow out.

I tried ignoring it. I tried denial. It doesn’t work. I’m so tired of being told that I have no right to feel what I’m feeling because she just gave me “freaky sex” and get asked what is “wrong with you” because all men fantasize about that. Of course, without my permission, while unconscious and a with very nasty threat to ensure my silence attached doesn’t qualify as sex in my book.

She took something from me that I didn’t offer to her. She took something I had no intention of offering her. She took something I hadn’t even given to my girlfriend at the time and never did as we eventually broke up, partially due to my own emotional distance following the rape.

Gee, what is wrong with me that I didn’t like all of that?

Links:

http://dayofblogs.thecurvature.com/2008/07/32-explaining-rape/

http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3177/1/

East Texas Author pens novel speaking out against abuse

Lauren Keaton of the Tyler Morning Telegraph interviewed me for an author profile. Click here to read it.

Review of Courage in Patience, a story of hope for those who have endured abuse

This will appear in the Aug 1 issue of Booklist:

Advanced Review – Uncorrected Proof
Issue: August 1, 2008
Courage in Patience.
Fehlbaum, Beth (Author)
Sep 2008. 352 p. Kunati, hardcover, $14.95. (9781601641564) .
Nine-year-old Ashley Asher was pleased when her mother started a relationship with Charlie Baker. Charlie, Ashley thought, would be the father she never had. She was 9 then; now 15, she recounts the story of how her dream life soon turned to nightmare, commencing with the first time Charlie touched her inappropriately. For years she tolerated it—not only the sexual abuse but also the emotional manipulation her stepfather inflicted on her—until one day she confronted both Charlie and her mother.
To Ashley’s horror, her mother sided with Charlie, leaving the teenager to find her own way, prompting her to reestablish a connection with her biological father. Though the subject matter is undeniably dark, Fehlbaum manages to keep the tone surprisingly light and hopeful. This hard-hitting but readable story about an infinitely troubling subject will resonate with all readers but especially with other survivors of abuse or with those who work with those survivors.
— Mary Frances Wilkens

"Four Key Things I Learned About Recovery From Incest"

A lady named Joy has a great site called Healing Stream for Survivors. She posted a very helpful article, "Four Key Things I Learned About Recovery From Incest". It's a very accurate portrayal of what the recovery process is often like. Joy was kind enough to allow me to post the link to her site: http://healingstreamforsurvivors.blogspot.com
Thanks, Joy! You are doing a wonderful service with your site

On Releasing Old Secrets

It was very difficult to make the decision to share the story of my rape publicly. After all of this time in denial (which ended abruptly in early May), I no longer wanted to "own" it, if that makes sense. I knew that to accelerate my healing I had to do away with the secret in a manner that was final and irreversible. So, I did something that the beta male wannabes posting on the PajamasMedia thread of Dr. Helen's article could never muster the courage to do if in my own position - I committed to telling my secret publicly and thoroughly. That was extremely hard and I spent many hours pondering it, but once committed, I felt better about it and the shame of secrecy is now gone. No lying, no pretending, no ignoring, no silence.

I won’t lie. Reading the early responses at PJM really tore me up. I was emotionally fragile and went off a few times in response as the trolls and asshats baited me in. In retrospect I should have only responded once and then let it go. As a result of reading that thread, I spent Monday and Tuesday of that week in panic attacks and painful muscle tension from the resultant anxiety. By Wednesday I had worked through it and felt better about my decision to go public.

I’ve heard from several survivors who hope to someday feel strong enough to tell their own story publicly and I read several very supportive blog entries linking either to my website or Dr. Helen's article. No matter how often I read or hear supportive remarks, they always help.

I’ve been publishing online for 11 years and blogging for 6 years, so I have a thick enough skin to have weathered denial-of-service attacks, death threats, defamation, an organized group of cyber vigilantes, a cyber-stalker, etc. However, dealing with the initial onslaught of hatred, mockery, emasculation and outright victim-blaming opened up a whole new level of How-Do-I-Cope for me.

So, how do I cope? I cope by knowing that someone, somewhere got a little strength reading about my experience. I cope by knowing that someone, somewhere no longer feels alone. I cope by knowing that someone, somewhere, knows that they are not going crazy.

And that, makes it worth it for me.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3173/79/

Getting It Right on Raped Males

An excellent blog posting by John Markley at The Superfluous Man on Cheerleading for rapists:

The public’s attitude towards men raped by other men (in prison or otherwise) is almost uniformly dreadful; raped men are either a punch line or objects of contempt, to the extent they are acknowledged at all. This is not surprising, since many supporters of both traditionalist/patriarchal sex roles and many supporters of feminism have an interest in ignoring, denying, or belittling the issue. Well, the attitude towards victims of female-on-male rape actually manages the difficult feat of being worse.

I want to thank John for treating my experience with dignity and respect - so thank you John. You can read the rest here.

This entry also posted at: http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3171/79/

Introduction - James Landrith

As I am a new blogger here, I'll begin with an introduction. I've been an internet publisher since 1997, a blogger since June 2002, a husband since 1993, a son since 1970, a step-father since 1993 and a father since 1997.

I am also a male rape survivor of a female rapist. I am not a woman-basher. I am not filled with misogynist hate. I am simply a statistic that many people wish to ignore or mock.

I recently published my story online in hopes that another man would seek help sooner than I did. I waited 17 years to acknowledge the circumstances of my rape and started seeing a therapist soon after I was finally able to admit to myself what had happened to me all those years ago.

Upon the publication of my experience, I was subsequently mocked, taunted, called a liar, had my manhood questioned and even threatened if I did not shut up.

Wow. And for the record, the worst offenders were from both genders.

They've failed to silence me and they've failed to intimidate me. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to shut up to make the troglodytes feel better about themselves. I'm in this for the long-term and I'm not going to be sheepish or scared just because some idiots think that men being raped women is funny and cute.

I just hope that another man or woman victimized by a female predator has the courage to admit what happened to them as a result, rather than being intimidated into silence by the mindless mob. I've been beaten up pretty badly since going public with my experience. I expected such abuse. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not shutting up so that they can go back to pretending this doesn't happen. I'm going to continue to be an inconvenient voice about this topic - and I know you wouldn't expect any less from me.