A Hopeful Book

From: http://bookchase.blogspot.com

The fact that so many children are sexually abused in their homes by their parents, step-parents or siblings, is a despicable little secret that most people manage not to think much about until they learn that someone they know has been victimized that way. It might be a neighbor or it might be a relative, but the shock is the same. But, as Beth Fehlbaum makes clear in Courage in Patience, we should not be so surprised.

Ashley Asher has been sexually abused by her step-father since she was nine years old and her mother does not seem to be aware that it is happening. For a while, Ashley even tried to pretend to herself that it was not happening and she created a place in her mind she could retreat to when it did happen. She has come to recognize the “whooshing” sound she hears in her head when faced with the approach of her step-father as a sign that she is tuning out the world, her way of coping with the ugliness around her. Her retreat allows her, in fact, to forget the details of what her step-father does to her and, once it is all over, she is never quite sure exactly what has happened.

But Ashley is no longer nine years old. Despite the six years of abuse she has suffered at the hands of the animal that lives in her home, she has become a bright, but emotionally scarred, young lady. She finally finds the courage to reveal what has been happening to her to a friend who, in turn, manages to get Ashley to speak with a high school counselor.

And that is how Ashley Asher found herself living in Patience, Texas, with the father she had never met.

As so often seems to happen in sexual abuse cases where a step-father is involved, Ashley’s mother refuses to believe that her new husband is abusing her daughter. She simply does not want to believe that her husband is capable of such a thing and she is so desperate to keep him that she works hard to convince herself that her daughter is a liar – or even worse, that Ashley is the aggressor and has been actively seducing her husband.

This lack of support from her mother has done as much damage to Ashley as the sexual abuse she has suffered. She is guilt-ridden and blames herself for much of what has happened. She struggles to fit into her new family, one that includes a brother she never knew she had and a woman who is more a mother to her than the one she left behind. Thankfully, Ashley Asher has found support groups, both at home and at school, that will help her to overcome the hard reality of having had her childhood so brutally stolen from her.

Courage in Patience is a hopeful book, one that will offer comfort and inspiration to those who have, themselves, suffered this kind of abuse. Perhaps even more importantly, the book is written in a way that makes it perfect for study and discussion in high school English classes around the world. It just might give young abuse victims the courage they need to save themselves from this kind of thing before it becomes too late for them. This is an important book, one from which I learned much about why sexual abuse in the home can go on for so many years without it being exposed, and one which I hope courageous high school teachers will embrace and teach for the benefit of their students.

Rated at: 5.0

Incest Survivors' Site interviews author of YA fiction Recovery Novel

Tanya T. Warrington, host of the blog site Dazzling Wings, interviewed Beth Fehlbaum, author of the YA fiction novel, Courage in Patience (Kunati Books, September 1, 2008). The interview will be posted on the Dazzling Wings site today.

1. Why did you write a story whose main character (Ashley) has been abused emotionally, physically, and sexually?

Courage in Patience came about, in a way, as a therapeutic suggestion. I have been in counseling for almost four years, dealing with my experience of being sexually abused as a child. About two years in to the process, I had been writing short stories and poems as a way of processing my feelings. One day, my therapist suggested that I try writing a novel. Initially, I was writing it for myself-- and the story as it is did not take shape until about four months in, because it was not until I was able to pull myself out of my head and be an observer to someone else's experience that Ashley Nicole Asher, age fifteen, came into being.

2. What hope do you wish to give other survivors of abuse through this book?

I want other people who are on the same road that I have been on to know that they are NOT crazy to have feelings like Ashley has, and that they are not alone in their struggle to heal. Above all, I want to give them hope that they can make it through the darkest days of being on the journey to recovery, and come far enough to be able to SEE how far they have come.

3. The episodes in the book that describe Ashely's PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) panic attacks and her skill at disassociating from painful incidents are vivid and authentic. If one of my blog readers were to read your book and its realism "triggered" a PTSD or disassociation attack, what would you like her or him to know?

That is a great question, and one that I do not take lightly. I will be really honest with you-- I am protective of myself with respect to what I read and watch on TV and in the movies so that I am not triggered-- and I hope that other survivors will also be protective of themselves. I sincerely worried about the possibility of triggering other people when I decided to publish Courage in Patience. At the same time, it is Ashley's story, just as we all have our own stories, and I felt it was important to tell it so that the healing that takes place would be just as true. I would never, never want anyone to be triggered by what I wrote, though, and if it does have that affect, please know that I know where you are in your struggle, what you are dealing with.

4. I love the structure of your novel. The first 1/4 gives us an intense introduction to how Ashley is being abused by her stepfather and the remaining 3/4 of the book immerse us in Ashely's beginning healing process and the healing process of other teens with an assortment of different painful life issues to face. You could have made the book 1/2 abuse and 1/2 recovery. Or you could have done 1/4 Ashley's abuse and 3/4 only about Ashley's recovery (without the other subplots involving the new adults and teens that entered her world). Talk to us a little bit about how the structure ties into the themes of the book.

In creating the sub-plots, I was guided by this idea: "Nobody gets out of this life without a scratch." Ashley spent her formative years living inside her own head, and becoming an expert at disconnecting at what is painful. It was important to me that Ashley be a witness to other people's struggles and pain, to see that courage comes in all forms, and that all of the victories are realized when the characters lived in the light of the truth. Thank you; I'm glad you liked the structure. I love each of those teenage characters as if they were my own children.


5. Ashley has to deal with not only an abusive stepfather but also a mother who does not believe her when she reports the abuse. I know this happens frequently in real life. Can you share with my readers what you've learned about how someone can cope with this horrible situation of additional betrayal?

I've learned that it takes hard work, time, the guidance of a skilled therapist, the unconditional love I find in my support system of my husband and daughters.. and that there are days that it still hurts like hell.

6. I was glad that you did not try to have Ashley wholly healed in the three month period of her healing journey that we read about. Healing is a rewarding but slow journey for abuse survivors. What encouragement would you share with readers who are currently stepping out of denial and seeking healing for their battered hearts? What would you say to the reader who has already spent years working through healing issues but still struggles sometimes?

I am glad you appreciated that there is not an altogether "happy" ending-- but rather a hopeful ending. And, I'm working on the sequel to Courage in Patience now- it's called Hope in Patience. I agree with you-- healing IS slow. For those just starting on the path, I would say, "Hold on for the ride of your life." My therapist described recovery from sexual abuse to me in a few ways. One was, "It's like a rollercoaster." Another was, "It's like walking, barefoot, from Texas to Alaska and back again." And, "It's like a walk through hell." I think most people who have been working at it for a while would agree that it feels like all three of those at once sometimes, and other times just one. It's NOT easy. It should be undertaken with the guidance of a competent therapist. You may not stick with the first therapist you find. And your journey may have stops and starts. Mine did. It was only when my life came to a critical point that I undertook the task and did not look back.
A strong support system helps immeasurably. There are going to be times that you feel very alone. But you're not. And that's a big message I'm trying to send with this book. With regard to people who are still working through the pain and still struggle-- well, join the club. As Bev, Ashley's stepmom says, "The side effects of sexual abuse are kind of like chemotherapy. You're going to have good days and bad days."

7. You address self-injury desires and suicidal thoughts in your novel. What would you like to say to my blog readers who struggle with one or both of these issues?

From what I have learned, the desire to injure yourself and the suicidal thoughts are quite common for people who were sexually abused. But you don't have to act on them. I cannot stress enough the importance of working with a competent mental health professional. Don't try to be your own brain surgeon. This is too important an effort to try to do it, armed with just a self-help book.

8. Courage in Patience includes some ugly portraits of hypocritical, judgemental, and unkind Christians. It is such a travesty when any religion is twisted and misused to abuse others. It leaves deep scars. I enjoyed reading that ZZ's grandmother, who urges mature and compassionate responses to the horrors of racism, carried her Bible into a meeting populated by a misguided group of people being led by a corrupt preacher. Would you like to share something about how faith can be a help or a hinderance in journey of healing from abuse?

I don't really have much to say on the subject, other than that some of the worst advice I got when I was in my early 20s and trying to start to deal with my "stuff" was given me by a person in a counseling center run out of a church. The advice was "Count your blessings" and "Forgive your abuser." I had not even started to deal with this stuff and I was being told to forgive? Unlike a lot of people, I do NOT believe that forgiveness of the people who were supposed to love and protect a child but did not is necessary for healing to occur. So, I guess I would say, anyone who tries to make that kind of forgiveness into some kind of litmus test for who's going to heaven (or not)-- is twisting religious faith into a toxic thing.

9. What tool has helped you the most so far in your own healing journey? Is it something that is included in the novel?

Writing has helped me the most, along with a very talented therapist who, along with my husband and daughters, make up what I call my ROCK.

10. Near the end of the book a character says, "I think there are a lot of us [those who were sexually abused as a child] in the world, a lot more than people want to believe. Nobody wants to think that adults force sex on children." What final thoughts would you like to share with those who have carried the shame and fear of sexual abuse and incest?

Even though it may not seem like it right now, you are not alone.

Telling

Today, my debut novel, Courage in Patience, a story of hope for those who have endured abuse, releases from Kunati Books.
Today is both gratifying and terrifying. Why terrifying?
Because it's "telling."

Even though Courage in Patience is not an autobiography or a memoir, it's "telling." It's drawing back the curtain and revealing what it's like to be in that place-- you know: THAT place.
Way back in January, when I filled out a sixteen-page biography for my publisher, I was adamant that I did not want to talk about my own experiences as a survivor. In fact, in my official bio-- the one on the back of my book-- it says that I "drew on my experience working with abused children as an English teacher in writing Courage in Patience," and that I "wrote Courage in Patience to give hope to survivors of abuse."

I read that now and feel ashamed that I was hiding behind my day job as a teacher. I spent thirty-odd years of my life in hiding of one sort or another, and my natural tendency is still to head for a small dark place (even if it's inside my own head), when I am overwhelmed and not remembering the "basics" that keep me sane, or at least the approximation of sanity that I represent most of the time.

"Drew on my experience working with abused children…" ?
Well, I can say for a fact that I have taught abused children over the years. I teach 'em every year. It's an epidemic created by shame and secrecy, and it's not going away anytime soon, sadly. In my capacity as a teacher, I have tried to stop it and I continue to try to stop it but the sad truth is that as long as families and society continue to foster a climate of lies, child abuse will continue. It thrives in lies. I know I'm not telling any of you anything new. If you're reading this page, if you're on this site, you're likely aware of child abuse in one way or another. Aren't we all?
My bio wasn't fooling anybody. And I have learned, as I have inched my way out of the shadows and into what is an increasingly growing area of public illumination, that even trying to conceal what I am-- for whatever personal reasons-- is futile. Anybody who has been in-- you know-- THAT place-- can read the story of Ashley, the protagonist of Courage in Patience, and know without a doubt that the person who brought her to life has experienced sexual abuse first-hand.
My ultimate goal is that readers will also be able to tell that there is hope for all of us-- yes, sexual abuse survivors--but-- for ALL of us who have to face what scares us most and find out what we are made of in the process.
Ashley is guided by a very skilled therapist who insists to her that she can and must come out of hiding in the closet-- the real one in her bedroom, and the figurative one in her mind. As Ashley tiptoes hesitantly toward the light beyond the door in her mind, she is supported by her biological father and his wife, a survivor of sexual abuse herself-- one who has made it through the treacherous mountain passes of recovery and can say, "You can make it. Keep going. Don't give up." That is the message I hope to give readers of Courage in Patience.

Steady on.