Re-model 4 Life: Wounding With Words 101

From time to time, rape survivors are confronted by callous or unintentionally invalidating remarks by friends, family, colleagues, fellow survivors or random strangers. Sometimes input has been solicited and is in response to disclosures by the survivor. Just as often, the invalidating words come from people who lack the self-control and maturity to keep their mouths shut if they just cannot muster the compassion to be understanding or supportive. While we all make mistakes and sometimes unintentionally say things that hurt, there are others who go out of their way to hurt survivors.

Below, I've supplied a short list of some invalidating comments that I've been treated to over the years since I began to work on my own healing:

From a random female survivor: "At some point you must have wanted it."

Yeah, I really wanted to be drugged, raped and blackmailed. Do me a favor and don't tell me what I did and did not want. Did you want to be raped? Or cannot you just not get past that fact that a woman can use her vagina to rape a man same as a man can use his penis? Is your brain really that inflexible and your bias so ingrained? Apparently so.

A frequent comment from well-meaning friends and acquaintances: "You need to get over it" and "That still bothers you?"

Yeah, it works just like that. It is just like stubbing your toe. You just get over it - like magic. Kindly never say something that naive and ridiculous again. Thank you.

From another female survivor: "I don't understand why you didn't just say no BEFORE you went to sleep."

UMMMMM, what part of DRUGGED AND UNABLE TO CONSENT is so hard for you to understand you fucking clueless wonder????

Countless "tough" guys: "I'd have thrown her off" or "I'd have kicked that bitch's ass." And on and on in standard tough guy voice.

Yeah, I'm so sure that you'd have risked hurting a pregnant woman and her fetus in order to maintain your precious status as an alpha male wannabe tough guy. How about you shut up and go back to your action movies and six pack of whatever beer happens to be cheapest this week. I don't need your input nor do you have anything intelligent to impart.

From yet another invalidating female survivor: "I'd like to hear her side of it."

Why does my rapist get a vote? Because she has a vagina? So that makes it okay to look for excuses to rationalize what she did??? How about no, you don't get to "hear her side of it" anymore than I would insist upon hearing from the man who raped you, lest I invalidate your pain.

I'm gonna stop here as I am beginning to become triggered and very angry. This vent felt good though and I've resolved to do it more often. However, I would like to thank those secondary survivors who help us to heal and make sure you know that your sacrifice and commitment does not go unnoticed. So, thank you.

For secondary survivors (supporters) and other survivors interested, some resources are supplied below on how to support the survivor in your life. Being a supporter is hard work and can be extremely stressful at times, so be sure to explore the resources on how to self-care as well.

Relevant Links:

Pandora's Project: For Friends, Family & Partners of Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivors
http://www.pandys.org/secondarysurvivors.html

Resurrection After Rape: A Man's Guide to Helping a Woman who's been Raped
http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Rape%20-%20mens%20guide.pdf

Resurrection After Rape: A Parent's Guide to Helping a Daughter who's been Raped
http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Rape%20-parents%20guide.pdf

Resurrection After Rape: Things NOT to say to a Survivor
http://www.resurrectionafterrape.org/media/Things%20Not%20to%20Say%20to%20a%20Survivor.pdf

MaleSurvivor: Suggestions for Partners
http://www.malesurvivor.org/docs/Oprah.comSuggestionsforPartners.doc